The 2025 Ugly Sneaker Bible

 1. MSCHF Big Red Boot the absolute monarch of ugly the red cartoon apocalypse that ended fashion and started a religion I wore them to my ex’s wedding with no shirt just a tux jacket and basketball shorts and watched her soul leave her body the second I clomped down the aisle her new husband went pale her mom dropped the thaali I became the main character of someone else’s marriage and the boots didn’t even scuff, wore them to a creative director interview at one of the biggest agencies in the world and the CD ignored my entire portfolio just kept asking “where the fuck did you get those” hired me on the spot with a 50k signing bonus because “anyone who wears these to an interview can sell ice to penguins,” wore them to Berghain and Sven Marquardt looked at my feet and waved me straight through while rejecting a Victoria’s Secret model behind me, wore them to my grandmother’s funeral in Punjab and every aunty pulled out their phone to secretly film my feet for their sons in Toronto whispering “kitna confident hai beta,” wore them on a first date in Lisbon and the girl said “those are hideous” then made out with me in the Uber and stole my hoodie the next morning, wore them to a black-tie gala in Monaco and a 75-year-old French heiress with pearls the size of golf balls told me “finally someone with balls” and the entire room of billionaires applauded, these are not shoes these are a declaration of war and in 2025 the war is over ugly won.

2. Balenciaga Defender €1150 for a shoe that looks like a monster truck tire fucked a ski boot and raised the child in a nuclear reactor, wore them to my little sister’s traditional Sikh wedding in full black kurta pajama and my mother legitimately fainted uncles fanning her with wedding programs while the pandit kept glancing at my feet like he was about to perform last rites on them, wore them to Noma in Copenhagen and the waiter asked if I needed a step stool, wore them to court for public disturbance (Big Red Boot related incident) and the judge took one look and said “case dismissed” because even the legal system fears ugly, wore them to my ex’s engagement party and she cornered me in the bathroom crying “I made a mistake” while her fiancé stood outside clueless, the shoes ended her relationship before the cake was cut, S++ tier do not speak to me.

3. Salehe Bembury Pollex Crocs the fingerprint-ridged comfort gods that turned me from Crocs bully to Crocs preacher overnight I now own seventeen pairs and a literal shrine with candles and a framed photo of Salehe that I kiss before big meetings, wore the Cucumber to a 12-hour warehouse rave and floated like an angel on ketamine, wore the Cobbler peach pie to an Italian wedding and actual 80-year-old nonnas tried to buy them off my feet for €600 cash, wore the Urchin purple to a creative director interview and got hired because the CEO said “anyone who gets this understands culture on a cellular level,” wore them to the hospital when my best friend had surgery and the surgeon walked in saw my feet and said “Salehe is a genius” we talked Crocs for twenty minutes instead of anesthesia surgery was perfect, wore them to Paris Fashion Week and got street styled 23 times in one afternoon, S+ tier life-altering spiritual experience in clog form.

4. New Balance 1906R Protection Pack the shredded-mesh apocalypse shoe that murdered the 550 and 990 dynasties in one drop I was in Tokyo when Rain Cloud released and watched salarymen sprint out of office buildings to line up at Atmos like it was the end of the world, paid ¥75,000 resale same day and have worn them literally every single day since I intentionally spill coffee drag them through mud let my dog chew the laces because the more destroyed they look the more untouchable I become, wore them to a first date and spent three hours explaining midsole aging patterns she ghosted but sent a voice note six months later saying “I still dream about your shoes,” wore them to a corporate presentation and got promoted on the spot because the VP said “those are the shoes of a man who doesn’t give a fuck and that’s exactly what we need,” S+ tier therapy in sneaker form.

5. Salomon XT-6 the gorpcore military trail monster that made me temporarily move to the Alps even though I’m terrified of heights and nature I own twenty-one pairs and a color-coded rotation spreadsheet, wore the vanilla almond milk in golden hour Lisbon light and cried actual tears at how beautiful ugly can be, wore the racing red to a Berlin techno rave and the DJ stopped the music to shout “big up the Salomon king in the front you’re carrying the whole scene tonight,” wore the black magnet to my ex’s new boyfriend’s gallery opening and stood silently in the corner while he nervously bought me drinks and admitted defeat without me saying a word, wore them on an actual mountain for the first time and accidentally ran 28km because I forgot shoes could feel this good, S+ tier cult leader status unlocked.

6. Hoka Bondi 8 pastel marshmallow platforms that proved comfort is the ultimate power move, wore the lilac pair front row at Rick Owens and Anna Wintour stared like she was decoding alien technology, wore them to a 16-hour rave and my feet felt better at 8am than they did at midnight, wore them to my niece’s baptism and the priest accidentally blessed the shoes instead of the baby.

7. ASICS GEL-Kayano 14 the 2008 dentist dad shoe reborn as 2025’s most expensive flex I paid €520 for the Kith Latte pair and would sell my kidney for another, wore them to a wedding and the bride ditched her €3000 heels to dance the entire reception in my Kayanos while the groom watched his life crumble.

8. Nike Zoom Vomero 5 the Tumblr 2013 vomit colorway masterpiece that looks like depression and nostalgia had a baby and it’s beautiful.

9. On Cloudmonster Swiss cheese on steroids you walk on angry clouds and cheat physics.

10. Rick Owens DRKSHDW Ramones beaten to absolute death held together with dental floss and pure trauma Kanye saw my pair in Miami and said “those are perfect” I haven’t washed my feet since 2021.

11. Merrell Hydro Moc melted Crocs alternative that got me recruited into a German techno collective I now DJ under the name Moist Merrell